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CNN Live Event/Special
Live Coverage of White House Correspondents' Dinner
Aired April 28, 2012 - 21:30 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DON LEMON, CNN HOST: All right. Hello, everyone. I'm Don Lemon live at the CNN world headquarters in Atlanta. You are watching CNN. This is our special coverage of the White House Correspondents' dinner.
You know, it's like the Oscars for politics, really. One of the few nights a year when Washington is funny and they're funny on purpose. We have live pictures now from the annual White House Correspondents' dinner.
And just a bit, in just a little bit President Barack Obama and host Jimmy Kimmel will take to the podium. Sometimes it's, you know, good-natured fun. Sometimes it turns into a roast.
There you see the president sitting at the Dais. Dais. Dais. However you want to say it, right now. So, we're going to join in live in just a little bit and hear from all of them. We're taking you live inside the room. So if you're at home, you're there.
And guess who's here with us. He hosted the correspondents' dinner back in 2001, and you know him from "Saturday night live." Mr. Darrell Hammond.
Welcome to CNN, sir. How are you doing?
DARRELL HAMMOND, COMEDIAN, ACTOR: Good, sir. How are you?
LEMON: I'm great. I love the glasses. I have some very similar. They call them my breaking news specs. I call them my Cronkite.
So listen, when you were getting ready to host, right, right about this moment.
HAMMOND: Yes.
LEMON: What was going through your mind?
HAMMOND: I think terror. I mean, utter terror. You're playing for the most powerful men in the world. I don't think its way off base to think of yourself as playing for a king in his court. Those aren't normal people out there. Those are all powerful people in their own right. And they're going to be cognizant of who laughs at what. So you're treading a fine line. You want to -- you want to josh the president. You want to josh the powerful people a little bit. But it shouldn't really rise above the level of a locker room towel snap. Otherwise, you'll see that the president will stop laughing, and I think that's key. When the president stops laughing, everyone else will stop laughing, too.
LEMON: Yes, that's probably what you don't want --
HAMMOND: I mean, it's -- it's terrifying. It's terrifying. I mean, that's the president. I mean, it's enough of an honor to do Letterman or Leno or any of those great shows or Jimmy Kimmel or Fallon. You know, that's an honor. "SNL," but that's the president. It's not a higher honor than that. So you have a sense like -- I did it three times. And I remember thinking to myself; I really wish I hadn't taken this gig. It's just too much pressure.
LEMON: What do you say, too much pressure?
HAMMOND: Yes. Because it's a hard room to play. It's not a normal audience. Everyone there is powerful in some way. And that's not normal. And they will also be checking each other out, see what everyone's laughing at. You know?
LEMON: Do people turn it down? Like do people say I don't want to do this? Or do you take it anyway, even though there's a ton of pressure?
HAMMOND: No. You wouldn't turn down anything. You don't turn down playing for the president. I can't imagine that. I'd never heard of that happening. And I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to play for the president. I mean, really? I haven't heard of that.
LEMON: Yes. Do you think it's changed because you said, you know, that's the president of the United States. You feel you have to be respectful, right? But you've got to be funny. Do you think it's changed over the years since 2001? Do you think people are taking more pokes and more jabs at the president, at the people in the audience, and it's a little more holds barred than when you did it?
HAMMOND: I think you see that sometimes. But it's difficult to say. It's the president. And I always was -- I mean, like when I did it with President Bush and vice president Cheney, I wanted them to laugh because I had the sense that if they somehow began to glower at something I said the people would stop laughing too. And I was pretty much right. I made an offhand remark during my second White House correspondents' dinner with President Clinton, that just brought the whole thing to a halt, you know. And I said something that probably could have launched debate in the air. And that's not a place for debate.
Again, you want to josh the president a little bit. But it is the president. And there should be respect for the office.
LEMON: Hey, Darrell, before we move on and we get to the people there, can you see air? Can you see me? How do you like that?
HAMMOND: Your glasses?
LEMON: Yes. I'm trying to be your twin.
HAMMOND: Well, you're doing a great job.
LEMON: Yes.
HAMMOND: Those are great glasses.
LEMON: So the lights are going down. I want to show you in 2001, take just a moment. We're not going to go far away from the dinner. We're going to show Darrell Hammond in 2001, and then Darrell and I will talk about it. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HAMMOND: Under my planet, Etta's prescription drugs would be covered. Under my opponent's plan her house would be burned to the ground.
I always thought Alabama would be a great place to kidnap a terrorist and leave him. Oh, yes, better than beating, hanging. A farmer, misshapen head. "You're a long damn way from Baghdad, aren't you, boy?"
I did hear a rumor that the first time you met with the Chinese ambassador, you brought your laundry. That's not true, is it?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(LAUGHTER)
LEMON: Well, that was a little racy. I loved your Al Gore.
HAMMOND: That was.
LEMON: "Under my plan" --
HAMMOND: Yes, I had terror in my heart when I said that joke. I was like, oh, my God. I stepped over the line.
Look, we all step over the line from time to time. But it's hard to -- you feel bad when you step over the line when the president's sitting there. You know, and the first lady. It feels terrible. But Mr. Bush was a very good sport, as was Mr. Clinton.
LEMON: You have you watched over the years? As you've been watching -- I mean, this is just the pre -- we want you to know this is the pre. When they get to the meat of it, when they get to Jimmy Kimmel and they get to the president, you're going to hear it. So don't worry about it.
We're talking to very funny Darrell Hammond right now.
So Darrell, do you -- do you think about that? When you think about in your career, one of the highlights, would you say, so far?
HAMMOND: The White House correspondents' dinner?
LEMON: Yes.
HAMMOND: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I don't know. You know, maybe I'm a dweeb, but I think playing for the president is about as high as you can go. I mean, to me it's incredible.
LEMON: Yes.
HAMMOND: It's incredible. The joint chiefs of staffs, members of congress. Every journalist you've ever -- I mean, it's just crazy good.
LEMON: Yes. As we're looking at the first lady there, Darrell, they're introducing her. And as soon as she speaks we'll listen. But it looks like the first lady's getting some applause. Standing ovation.
HAMMOND: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The first and most important job of the White House correspondents' association --
LEMON: Are you -- were you nervous about -- are first ladies and family, are they off limits?
HAMMOND: You can josh a little. But, you know, if you start impugning someone's character, you know, like Bob Hope would make fun of, you know, President Eisenhower's golf swing. But when you start getting into someone's character or getting personal, no, that's not good.
And it doesn't feel good to do it. I mean, when you're there, you want to -- you want to give some respect to the -- you know, the level of the office. I mean, it's the White House for God's sakes, you know? And to me it was like terrifying. And they were like trying to make me food like at the Dais. I couldn't eat.
LEMON: Really?
HAMMOND: I couldn't eat. It was too scary. Oh, it was terrifying. Sick to my stomach, terrified.
LEMON: So, listen --
HAMMOND: I don't know --
LEMON: Go ahead.
HAMMOND: No, you go ahead. I'm sorry.
LEMON: Yes. I just wanted to bring some other folks in here, Darrell. I'm joined here in Atlanta by political analyst Goldie Taylor, and then in Washington Republican strategist Anna Navarro. Thanks to both of you for joining us. This is an interesting opportunity.
Anna, good to see you. We've been trying to get you on for a while. Thanks for joining us. And then Goldie --
ANA NAVARRO, REPUBLICAN STRATEGIST: I wish you had told me to bring my glasses, Don.
LEMON: You have the same glasses?
NAVARRO: No, but I will.
LEMON: Is this -- Anna. Ana. Let me get it right. Is this an opportunity for the president to take jobs at Republicans and Mitt Romney, do you think?
NAVARRO: Look, I think it's a time for them to have a lot of fun. It's a bipartisan crowd there. It's the reporters. It's some of the most jaded, cynical people in Washington. But this weekend they are dedicated to having fun.
Don, there's been more pre-parties, and there's more after parties than I can even begin to tell you. It's a miracle they even have the energy to be there and laugh at anything, there's been so many parties already.
LEMON: And you've been to -- we're going to talk about that in a little bit and talk about the whole celebrity -- there have been so many celebrities. So that's a little bit of a tease. We are going to -- Ana's been to a bunch of pre-parties. As I understand, you were at one with Lindsay Lohan, also Kim Kardashian.
But save that because I want to ask Goldie about this. You think the president -- he's going to have to balance funny and serious, especially when it comes to the economy and all that. Some people are saying, oh, you know, this is no laughing matter. He shouldn't have gone on Jimmy Fallon. You know what I mean.
GOLDIE TAYLOR, CNN POLITICAL ANALYST: I do. But it's a night of levity. And I think that even in this current crisis that this nation is taking an opportunity tonight to laugh at itself. And I think that is really a good thing.
LEMON: Yes. Is it ever -- Darrell, good question for you because you were 2001, right? This is before 9/11.
HAMMOND: Yes.
LEMON: And I wonder if the people who came after 9/11, it's -- I'm sure there are some things, but always there's some way you can turn a joke and find levity in something. But is there ever anything that is too serious to joke about?
HAMMOND: Absolutely. I mean, tragedies, horror stories, yes. Anything that's related to a tragedy, it's really tough to get a laugh on. I remember after 9/11 I had to go to a college in Washington to perform that night. And they didn't want to hear their leaders made fun of that night. I mean, it was a while before I could get back in business. Very serious stuff.
LEMON: I want to tell everyone we're watching the White House Correspondents' Dinner. They're introducing all the dignitaries. The first lady is standing there at the podium. She hasn't spoken. And she may speak in just a little bit. But we're going to bring it to you live here on CNN. You're going to get to watch it.
But you know, what I want to tell everyone, as we count down to tonight's correspondents' dinner, I want to give you a preview of Jimmy Kimmel, his routine from the host himself who made a surprise appearance at the White House on Friday. Take a look at this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JIMMY KIMMEL, COMEDIAN: So obviously, the secret service thing is something that I'm going to talk about, but not necessarily going to do 30 jokes about it. I'll probably stop at 20. I'm in the White House. I've never been in the White House before. I probably will never be asked back either. But it's -- it's really very cool, actually.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
LEMON: All right. Welcome back. CNN's live coverage of the White House Correspondents' Dinner. They're showing a video there right now. So we're going to get to the heart of it when the president comes on, when Jimmy Kimmel comes on. You're going to see all of it live right here at CNN.
Joining me now live, Goldie Taylor is here in Atlanta. Darrell Hammond, one of the funniest comedians around who did the White House Correspondents' Dinner. He was the headline in 2001, he joins me. Ana Navarro, who is a Republican strategist, also joins me.
And we're going to go -- we've got it all covered for you. So, stand by. More on that in just a minute. But first, we want to give you some other news here on CNN.
One person is dead after violent storms hit St. Louis, 16 others were hospitalized. Five were serious injuries. All were baseball fans celebrating the cardinals' win at St. Louis at a St. Louis sports bar. The storm blew down the bar's outdoor tent and knocked live wires to the ground. A storm warning had been issued shortly before this happened.
We now know the name of the secret service agent believed to have triggered the scandal in Colombia. Sources tell CNN that Arthur Huntington is the agent who reportedly got into an argument with a prostitute causing this story to come to light. CNN has learned that Huntington is no longer with the secret service. Neighbors say he is 41, married, and he is the father of two boys. At an event like the White House Correspondents' Dinner, everyone is focused on the red carpet, and that's your shot at seeing the big celebrities. Later on in the show comedian Darrell Hammond will tell us more about that.
But first, Athena Jones, stationed along the red carpet for us tonight.
Athena, so, who impressed you the most?
ATHENA JONES, CNN CORRESPONDENT: Well, as you can see now it's a lot quieter, a lot calmer. Who impressed me the most? You know, it was interesting talking to Sigourney Weaver. She was saying this is her first time coming to this event, which was kind of charming because you hear a lot of stars who have been here several times and they say oh, I just like to come and like to schmooze. So it's kind of nice to find someone who hasn't been here before.
Another person who mentioned coming here with a real purpose, not just to socialize, was Eva Longoria, who said she had kind of a hit list of politicians she wanted to speak to. One of those was labor secretary Hilda Solis who she wanted to talk to about child farm workers.
So a real mix here. All kinds of people that we got a chance to speak with, including our own Piers Morgan, who brought Goldie Hawn as a guest. Let's listen to what they had to say.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
GOLDIE HAWN, ACTRESS: This is a big night. A special night and a very kind of perky night. A weird mix of people. What do you think makes the --
PIERS MORGAN, CNN HOST, PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT: Wait a minute. There's nothing weird about this mix. This is Hollywood glamour at its very best, and me.
HAWN: Quirky too. I'll give you quirky. We're an unlikely couple, aren't we?
MORGAN: Well, I don't think quirky is the right word. I think disparate souls thrown together by Hollywood glamour.
JONES: So what are you guys most looking forward to tonight? What do you think makes it special?
MORGAN: Goldie?
HAWN: Wow. What makes it special? Well, first of all, personally, I'm home. This is where I was born and raised. Secondly, I'm interested tonight to see what the writing's going to be in terms of the comedy. This is a fun night. It's a funny night. It's a time when everyone becomes human and there's resilience all around. And there are a lot of laughs. And we need them. We need the laughs right now. So I'm excited to hear what's going to happen. JONES: Absolutely. We've seen a lot in the news to make fun of. We've already heard Jimmy Kimmel say that while he's a bit nervous about all this. He's admitted he's probably going to talk about the secret service. Any other guess of what he's going to make fun of?
MORGAN: Well, you can never have enough Donald Trump jokes. And I love Donald Trump but I'm hoping they don't stop those because they were funny last year. I think there's lots of material. Jimmy Kimmel is very funny. But the president's very funny. He has the best script writers in the world at his disposal. So, I think it could be a very, very amusing night.
HAWN: There's a lot of material.
JONES: Have a great time. I'm sure you will.
MORGAN: I'm definitely having a great time tonight.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
JONES: So everyone, as you heard Piers Morgan say, it everyone can assure you right now is definitely having a good time tonight. Up next, of course, the president and then Jimmy Kimmel. As Omar Epps told me along the red carpet, Jimmy Kimmel has a big banner to rise up to because Seth Meyers was so funny last year.
So, we will be watching, Don.
LEMON: All right. Athena Jones, thank you very much.
And you know. She's an actor and a comedian who is waiting for the White House to send her an invitation to host the correspondents' dinner, but that doesn't stop her from telling presidential jokes. We'll hear from Loni Love coming up.
And while we wait for tonight's one-liners, a trip down memory lane. Here's Cedric the entertainer, 2005, calling out former secretary of state Condoleezza Rice.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, COMEDIAN: There are two people, though. You know the neighbors broke it down. They said that Connie, who that's the person you see on television with, you know, the nice hair and very professional. Then there's Daleeza.
(LAUGHTER)
CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER: She the one with her hair wrapped up on the phone with her girlfriend watching B.E.T. talking about "girl, isn't that usher fine?"
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER: But I don't want to be in the military. I just couldn't do that one. If I did, there's one job that I could do, it would be the guy that greet the president when he get off the helicopter. That's it. You know what I'm saying?
(LAUGHTER)
CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER: I mean, you get some TV time, you know. Mr. President. That's it for me. I'm going to have some lunch. You're not leaving any time soon, are you?
All right. I'm going to holler at you. You want me to get the dog? OK, I'll get the dog.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
LEMON: That was Cedric the Entertainer back in 2005.
And you're looking at live pictures of the White House Correspondent's Dinner. They're doing all of their introductions and what have you. We're awaiting the president. We are also waiting Jimmy Kimmel, who is hosting tonight. It's sure to be really funny. You are going to see it all live here on CNN.
But we don't want to bore you with the inside baseball stuff that's happening with the correspondents. So as we mentioned, the president is expected to give a joke-filled speech tonight. But we'll have to compete with previous performances. Here are some of the most memorable ones.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
GEORGE BUSH, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Members of the White House Correspondents' Association, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen.
Here I am.
LAURA BUSH, WIFE OF GEORGE BUSH: I am married to the president of the United States. And here's our typical evening. 9:00, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep. And I'm watching "Desperate Housewives."
(LAUGHTER)
GEORGE BUSH: Ozzie, mom loves your stuff.
BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Tonight, for the first time, I'm releasing my official birth video.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: I want to make clear to the FOX News table that was a joke.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: That was not my real birth video. That was a children's cartoon. Call Disney if you don't believe me. They have the original long form version.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Just look at the options the Republicans are kicking around, Palin, Huckabee, Gingrich, Trump. That doesn't sound like a field of candidates. That sounds like season 13 of "Dancing with the Stars." I tell you who could beat you, Mr. President. 2008, Barack Obama. You would have loved him.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: This is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel, because he's not used to saying the word "day" after mother.
(LAUGHTER)
(END VIDEOTAPE)
LEMON: Very funny stuff.
Well, tonight it's all about the jokes and one liner and most of all, most of it at the expense of the politicians and the expense of the president, really. One pretty consistent source of material, vice president Joe Biden. Take a listen to his latest.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I promise you, the president has a big stick.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
LEMON: Very funny, very stuff. OK, wait until you hear what comedienne Loni Love had to say about that one, poking fun at politicians, the president, next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
LEMON: All right. There he is, the president of the United States. Let's go live now to the White House Correspondent's Dinner and listen in.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Thank you. Good evening, everybody. Good evening.
I could not be more thrilled to be here tonight at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. This is a great crowd. They're already laughing. It's terrific.
Chuck Todd, love you, brother. Delighted to see some of the cast members of "Glee" are here. And Jimmy Kimmel, it's an honor, man.
(LAUGHTER) OBAMA: What's so funny?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
OBAMA: My name is Barack Obama. My mother was born in Kansas. My father was born in Kenya. And I was born, of course, in Hawaii.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: In 2009, I took office in the face of some enormous challenges. Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor. But let's not forget that's a practice that was initiated by George W. Bush.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Since then, Congress and I have certainly had our differences. Yet, I've tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots. And that's why I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Let's give them a big round of applause.
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Despite many obstacles, much has changed during my time in office. Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won't stop drunk texting me from Cartagena.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Four years ago, I was a Washington outsider. Four years later, I'm at this dinner. Four years ago, I looked like this. Today, I look like this.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: And four years from now, I will look like this.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: That's not even funny.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Any way, it's great to be here this evening in the vast magnificent Hilton ballroom, or what Mitt Romney would call, a little fixer upper.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) OBAMA: I mean, look at this party. We've got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first class entertainment. I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Unbelievable. Not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Of course, the White House Correspondent's Dinner is known as the prom of Washington, D.C. A term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Who is perfect for the job, since most of tonight's audience is in his key demographic. People who fall asleep during "nightline."
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Jimmy got his start years ago on "the Man Show" in Washington, that's what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Plenty of journalists are here tonight. I would be remiss if I didn't congratulate the "Huffington Post" on their Pulitzer Prize. You deserve it, Ariana. There's no one else out there linking the kind of journalism the Huff-Po is linking to every single day. Give them a round of applause.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: And you don't pay them. It's a great business model.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Even Sarah Palin's getting back into the game. Guest hosting on the "Today" show which reminds me of an old saying, what's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: A little soy sauce.
(LAUGHTER) OBAMA: Now, I know at this point many of you were expecting me to go after my likely opponent, Newt Gingrich. Newt, there's still time, man. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to attack any of the Republican candidates. Take Mitt Romney. He and I actually have a lot in common. We both think of our wives as our better halves and polls show to an alarmingly insulting extent the American people agree.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: We also both have degrees from Harvard. I have one. He has two. What a snob.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Of course, we have also had our differences. Recently his campaign criticized me for slow jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so intense, he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on the Merv Griffin show.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Still, I guess Governor Romney is feeling good about things, because he took a few hours off the other day to see "the Hungry Games." Some of you have seen it. It's a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing. I'm sure this was a great change of pace for him.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: I have not seen "the Hungry Games" not enough class warfare for me.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Of course, I know everybody is predicting a nasty election. And thankfully, we've all agreed that families are off- limits. Dogs, however, are apparently fair game.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: And while both campaigns have had some fun with this, the other day I saw a new ad from one of these outside groups that frankly I think crossed the line. I know Governor Romney says he has no control over what his super PACs do, but can we show the ad real quick?
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Back in 1983, you took your Irish setter on a 12-hour road trip tied to the roof of your car in a kennel.
MITT ROMNEY (R), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: He climbed up there regularly, enjoyed himself and my guess is he looked it better in his kennel than inside.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Finally, a candidate with the courage to fight for the right of a dog to feel the freedom in his fur. But, what about Barack Obama? Under his failed leadership, man's best friend has been forced into government controlled automobiles. Just imagine the European style dog socialism, Obama has planned for the next four years, more government handouts, a life of government dependency, indoctrinating our children, a left-wing social agenda, leading from behind.
America's dogs can't afford four more years of Obama. For them, that's 28 years. Our dogs need leadership now.
ROMNEY: Who let the dogs out, who, who?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This guy. And that's why we need to join Mitt Romney in sending a message this November. I'm an American, and dog gone it, I ride outside!
(DOG BARKING)
(END VIDEOTAPE)
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: That's pretty rough. But I can take it. Because my stepfather always told me, it's a boy eat dog world out there.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Now, if I do win a second term as president, let me just say something to all the --
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Let me just say something to all my conspiracy oriented friends on the right who think I'm planning to unleash some secret agenda. You're absolutely right.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: So allow me to close with a quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second Obama administration.
In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with the young Jeezy.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Michelle said, yes. I sing that to her sometimes.
In my first term, we ended the war in Iraq. In my second term, I will win the war on Christmas. In my first term, we repealed the policy known as don't ask, don't tell.
(APPLAUSE) OBAMA: Wait, though. In my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as, it's raining men.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: In my first term, we passed health care reform. In my second term, I guess I'll pass it again.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: I do want to end tonight on a slightly more serious note. Whoever takes the oath of office next January will face some great challenges. But he will also inherit traditions that make us greater than the challenges we face. And one of those traditions is represented here tonight. A free press that isn't afraid to ask questions, to examine and to criticize.
And in service of that mission, all of you make sacrifices. Tonight, we remember journalists such as Anthony Shadid and Marie Colvin.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: --who made the ultimate sacrifice. They sought to shine a light on some of the most important stories of our time. So, whether you're a blogger or broadcaster, whether you take on powerful interests here at home or put yourself in harm's way overseas, I have the greatest respect and admiration for what you do.
I know sometimes you like to give me a hard time, and I certainly like to return the favor. But I never forget that our country depends on you. You help protect our freedom, our democracy and our way of life.
And just to set the record straight, I really do enjoy attending these dinners. In fact, I had a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
LEMON: That was the president of the United States. It really a funny jokes. Did you see the picture when he showed the secret service when he made that secret service joke?
Jimmy Kimmel, coming up soon. That was pretty funny.
Goldie, Darrell, Anna, all here, as we wait for Jimmy Kimmel.
Hey, Darrell, real quickly, you're the comedian, what did you think?
HAMMOND: Well, I did a show, an "snl" episode with Obama. I've seen him handle a script before. He's very, very good with a script and very funny.
LEMON: Yes. Let's get back now to the dinner. Jimmy Kimmel, and, the video presentation.
JIMMY KIMMEL, HOST, JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE: We pitch in to help keep the airwaves squeaky clean by bleeping and blurring things whether they needed or not. And with said, please enjoy a special White House Correspondent's Dinner version of this week in unnecessary censorship.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to the White House for your daily (bleep).
OBAMA: I told leaders of both parties that they must come up with a fair compromise in the next few days that can pass both houses of congress. And a (bleep) that I can (bleep).
ED SCHULTZ, MSNBC HOST, THE ED SHOW: President Obama says it's (bleep) in the gulf coast.
CARL CAMERON, FOX NEWS CHANNEL, COMMENTATOR: Trying to find bipartisan health care reform on Capitol Hill. It's sort like children trying to (bleep) unicorns.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I have (bleep) with homosexuals since 1968.
REP. JOHN BOEHNER, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: I'm a regular guy with a big (bleep).
ROMNEY: I like being able to (bleep) people and provide services to me.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Harry Reid just wants to put his finger in his (bleep) and sing.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are you not getting enough (bleep), you and the administration?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Look. These are gigantic situations.
RICK PERRY (R), FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I understand what pork barrel politics is all about. I (bleep) mine, you (bleep) yours.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That was a great interview. Thank you very much. I enjoyed being here. Thanks very much.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Even though you touched your (bleep).
HERMAN CAIN (R), FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: She's not the only person that I've (bleep). I have (bleep) a lot of people. The only thing about this particular one is, yes, she happened to be female.
BIDEN: I promise you, the president has a big (bleep). I promise. UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Irish prime minister, he was crazy. He was introducing the president. He had a wonderful time.
OBAMA: We campaign the whole day whenever I saw my status today, you (bleep). I said, I'm (bleep) up boss. But I'm ready to go. I said, I'm ready to go. Here's the thing. As of about a minute or two, I'm starting to keel kind of (bleep) up.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And now, I would like to introduce a comedian who I think will be a particular hit with the journalists in this room. Jimmy Kimmel is known in the world of comedy, not only for his sense of humor, but for his work ethic and tenacity.
And for those of us familiar with the ups and downs of the media business, what's not to like about a guy who has been fired from four radio stations?
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce Jimmy Kimmel, most of ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live."
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Well, thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. President, Salaam.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: It's wonderful to be here. They told me this would be a very high profile event with some of the most powerful people in the word. They did not tell me I would be looking directly at Sophia Vergara's cleavage.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: I saw you texting. Sophia is from Colombia. This is what women look like from Colombia. What do you expect the Secret Service to do?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Mr. President, I know you won't be able to laugh at my jokes about the Secret Service. So cover your ears, if that's physically possible.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: I do have a lot of jokes about the Secret Service. You know, I told them for $800, I wouldn't tell them, but they only offered $30, so.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: I'm happy to see that Congress is taking this very seriously. David Vitter even went so far as to fly down to Colombia to investigate this personally.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: I tell you what though, I know the administration has been cracking down, but if this happened on President Clinton's watch, you can damn well bet, those Secret Service agents would have been disciplined with a very serious high five.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Palms would be beat red. Quick announcement. If anyone has tickets to the GSA after party, the plane is leaving for the Four Seasons in Dubai at midnight on the dot. Don't be late or you'll miss out on your complimentary white tiger cub.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: I want to thank the Washington Hilton for hosting tonight. You know, President Obama wanted to move the dinner to the Kennedy center this year, but the Republicans wanted to keep it here at the Hilton, so they compromised and here we are at the Hilton.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: I am staying at the hotel and I'll be honest, it isn't great. I had to change rooms last night because there was a huge leak in the room above me. I guess Peter Orszag left his mouth on.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: And, he told me you would like that one. He told me a lot of stuff. But it's an honor to be here. You know, he told me when I was a kid that I would be on the same stage as President Barack Obama. I would have said the president's name is Barack Obama?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Mr. President, do you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: That was your best one yet. But honestly, it's a thrill for me to be here with the president, a man who has I think done his best to guide us through some difficult times and paid a heavy price for it.
You know, there's a term for guys like President Obama. Probably not two terms. But, there is. Even some of your fellow Democrats think you're a pushover, Mr. President. They would like to see you stick to your guns. And if you don't have any guns, they would like you to see you ask Eric Holder to get some for you.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Jake Tapper wrote that. (LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: It's kind of hard to be funny with the president of the United States sitting right next to me looking at you. Yet somehow, day in and day out, Joe Biden manages to do it.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: I wish he was here, so he could sit behind me and fake clap like he does during the state of the union address. Are you enjoying this? Is this fun for you?
OBAMA: Great.
KIMMEL: This is the first meal he's had in months. They say diplomacy is a matter of carrots and sticks, and since Mrs. Obama got to the White House, so is dinner.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: You're very skinny. She doesn't you're an E. I felt weird about eating dessert. I left it untouched. I've never done that before.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: You know, the real reason people thought you were from Kenya had nothing to do with your birth certificate.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: It' because you just lost so much weight, we thought you were the one that won the Boston marathon.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: This is how you know this country is in bad shape. Our president is starving.
(APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: North Korea is sending him food aid.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: I had the opportunity to sit next to the first lady tonight. She is very, very nice. And no matter what side of defense you are on, you have to admit she's done a lot of good work. She just wants us to be healthy. Really, it's all - Mrs. Obama.
(APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: Look, it's Chris Christie, get him.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: You know, they say that inside every American governor is a president struggling to get out. In Chris Christie's case, it's the only one where you can still hear him screaming.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: You must be misunderstanding New Jersey's slogan, it's not the Olive Garden state.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: But the truth is, the first lady is right. Americans are in terrible shape. You can even tell how out of shape we are when we protest. We used to march, now we occupy.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: A quick congratulations to the occupy protesters. It took months and months of (INAUDIBLE) and Hackie Sack, but finally, Wall Street isn't greedy anymore. Congratulations!
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: White house press secretary Jay Carney is with us. Hello, Jay.
Jay is, as you know, not just a press secretary. You also know him as the white guy from every lens crafter's commercial.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: One of Jay's jobs is to keep track of all the Hilary Rosens. For those of you who aren't familiar with this story, Kim, Lindsey, et cetera. Hilary Rosen is the woman who said Ann Romney never worked a day in her life, even though Mrs. Romney raised five kids. And of course, the administration tries to distant itself from those comments. They said she's not an adviser to the Obama campaign, even though, as we later found out, her name appeared on the White House visitor log 35 times.
So when reporters ask Jay, why her name showed up 35 times, this is where it gets hilarious. He said, he wasn't sure it was the same Hilary Rosen. He said, I personally know three Hilary Rosens.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: You personally know three Hilary Rosens? Where did all these Hilary Rosen come from? Did you pick them from the Hilary Rosen garden?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: I bet you $10,000 you don't know three Hilary Rosens, but I'm not running for president though. Three Hilaries. That sounds like President Clinton's worst nightmare.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Hey, is that slut Rush Limbaugh here? People are still upset with Rush, for comments he made about Sandra Fluke. But, you know what, there's a reason Mr. Limbaugh said what he said and that reason is Percocet.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: And by the way, just to clear things up for the extreme right wingers. Here's the difference between Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh. The people who watch Bill Maher know he's an asshole.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: This is my first time here. Every news organization has its own table. Scrip is here. Thank God. Just in case a spelling bee breaks out. We have that covered. We have numerous members of the print media in attendance, which reminds me of a riddle. What's black and white and red all over? Nothing anymore.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Really. The Chris Christie jokes are OK, but no?
Where are the CNN tables? Are the CNN table's real tables or virtual tables? There you are.
Every election year, CNN comes up with new and increasingly amazing technology. They have the magic wall this year. They have the hologram four years ago. And yet, with all their technical wizardry, they still haven't figured out a way to make James Carville look less like a hairless boiled cat.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Quite a few table news anchors' were booked this year. Chris Matthews of MSNBC wrote a biography of JFK, its 427 long pages long. Poor Rick Santorum was throwing up all night.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Bill O'Reilly wrote a controversial book about a great president called "Killing Lincoln." I actually have my own theory about Lincoln's death. I think John Wilkes Booth was innocent. I don't even think it was an assassination. I believe that Abraham Lincoln had a vision about what the Republican Party would become in 150 years and he shot himself.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: Is the FOX table laughing? Or did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Some people think that Rupert Murdoch was intentionally trying to appear to be confused when he was testifying in front of the British government. But I don't know. The man is 81 years old. I think you have to know how to use a cell phone before you can figure out how to hack into one.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Rupert Murdoch paid $580 million for Myspace. Clearly he knows nothing about technology.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: FOX News is the grumpy old man of cable. Loud, stubborn, a little out of touch with reality, just had a mole removed. Is the FOX mole here, by the way? I would like to take a moment to salute the FOX mole. Or if not for his brave sacrifice, the world may have never known that the bathrooms at FOX were overdue for renovation.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: Leaking two videos and getting caught right away doesn't make you a mole, it makes you a freckle.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: As a result of all the success FOX News has had, MSNBC has moved a bit to the left of Hugo Chavez lately. MSNBC has a big star now in Rachel Maddow. Rachel hosts her own show. She is the best- selling author. And yet somehow she still manages to find time to cut her own hair.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: The Rachel was a very different hairstyle when Jennifer Anniston had it. Rachel Maddow also wrote a book. In it, she argues that the unchecked expansion of executive power since Vietnam as resulted in the country that is potentially a war, which comes disaster clause, not only financially, but to the very ideals on which the United States was founded. Women, nag, nag, nag, you know?
There are a lot of big celebrities here with us tonight. Uggy is here. Uggy is the dog from the movie "the artist." Uggy is amazing. He can roll over on command. He's a Democrat.
Uggy, I have some advice. If Mitt Romney ever invites you to go for a ride, call shotgun.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: And if the president tries to butter you, run.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Last week, we learned that the president's two favorite steaks are rib eye and Seeing Eye.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: You know you don't have to reveal everything in an autobiography, right? I mean, you can leave some things out. When you go to a dog park, is it the same when we look at a tank full of lobsters?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: The president was very candid in an interview with Atlantic a couple weeks ago when he called Kanye West a jackass.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Which no offense, sir, but I think you got the wrong West. I think you meant Allen.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Do all Wests look the same to you?
George Clooney is here tonight. Tomorrow he's set to appear before Allen West in the house on American activities committee. George is hosting a fund-raiser event for the Obama campaign for $3 you can enter a raffle and the winner gets to have dinner with the president at George Clooney's house. And I for one, I've always dreamed of eating a hot pocket with the president and Batman.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: And now I can do it for only $3. And if you don't win the raffle, remember, you can still win dinner with George yourself if you are 6'1" blond with a perfect body.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Sully Sullenberger, where is Sully Sullenberger? I met him outside the -- Sully, would you - ask a favor. Would you mind driving Lindsay Lohan home?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Make sure you don't run into a goose, especially a gray goose. George Stephanopoulos is here. "GOOD MORNING AMERICA" just beat the "Today" show for the first time in 16 years.
And George is riding -- well, high maybe isn't the word, but let's say he's very pleased. Sixteen years is along - 16 years ago, there was no facebook, there was no Google and the tweet was something Barbara Walters gave her dog.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: This is really incredible, I mean. What a collection of people. Here in one room, we have members of the media, politicians, corporate executives, advertisers, lobbyists and celebrities. Everything that is wrong with America is here in this room tonight.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Unfortunately, the speaker of the house, John Boehner, isn't. Apparently, yours aren't the only dinner invitation he declines, Mrs. Obama. Don't take it personally. He's probably just afraid someone will ask him to pass the salt and he won't have the votes.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Eric Cantor couldn't be here tonight. He is at the gym working out his gavel arm. This Boehner and Cantor feud fascinates me. As most of you know, it started during the debt ceiling negotiations when they couldn't agree on the words of the ransom note. And it went down from there.
Interesting fact about Speaker Boehner, the reason he smoked so many cigarettes is, his tears keep putting them out. Minority leader Nancy Pelosi isn't here tonight either, but her lipstick is. It's on my glass I think from last year. Nancy Pelosi believes in lipstick the same way she believes in government. Too much is never enough.
Jake Tapper also wrote that one.
I have to say. I've been having a lot of fun here in Washington. It's a great city with all the history and monuments. I was at the Lincoln memorial last night. Just -- I was standing there in awe thinking back in the '60s, on this very spot, Forest Gump reunited with Jenny.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: The people are interesting, too. It's fun to have conversations with people so passionate about politics. I talked to a guy who is a huge supporter of Obama care and a guy who says it's a disaster and should be killed immediately. It's interesting, because I had never met Mitt Romney before.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Mitt Romney is the inevitable Republican candidate for president. He has an amazing story. You know, they picked him out of a "land's end" catalog. That's how he was discovered.
Some people say Mitt Romney won't be elected president because he's Mormon. I think that's ignorant. This is country is more open- minded than that. We elected an African-American president. We would absolutely elect a Mormon president. Just not Mitt Romney.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Stevie Wonder just said, we elected an African-American president?
We heard our (INAUDIBLE) Romney's campaign compared to an etch-a- sketch. And I don't know - when I think Mitt Romney, I don't think etch-a-sketch. I think twister; one foot on red, the other on blue, and both hands on green. Men had trouble connecting with regular PBB tab appear with them because he doesn't drink. You can't have a cup of coffee with him because he cannot caffeine. You can't play monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: But if you're a Republican, you know there isn't enough of a choice. Again, Rick Santorum is out. I guess it wasn't Rick's year. Rick's year is 1954.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: You know, it's one thing to oppose gay marriage. It's another altogether to do it in a sweater vest.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: But, any end, Rick Santorum may not have won the nomination but he succeeded in getting his message out. Not just to Americans but people all a flat the world.
(LAUGHTER) KIMMEL: Ron Paul is still in there. He is still sticking wit. To me, Ron Paul looks like the guy that gets unhooded at the end of every Scooby-doo episode.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: It's great to see the Gingrich's here tonight. Because I guess that means the check cleared.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Newt, I have a question, how can you be against gay marriage when you are the son of two gay parents, the Michelin man and the stay puff marshmallow man. I don't understand politicians are against gay marriage. I don't understand anyone is against gay marriage. I man, when you really think about it, aren't all marriages kind of gay? I mean. As a man, when you get married, essentially what you're saying I will never touch another woman as long as I live. Now, let's put jewelry on each other and dance.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Not that it's any of my business, Mr. Gingrich, but why are you waiting till Tuesday to drop out of this? Just do it now. It's time to Mitt or get off the pot.
The election process has changed a lot. As you know, the president finally gave in and agreed to a super PAC, which initially vice president Biden was very excited about, until he found out its super PAC is not one of those big boxes with all the different kind of chips.
(LAUGHTER) KIMMEL: And while we're on the subject of super PACs, let's get rid of super committees. Super committees are to committees what super cuts are to cuts.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: All right. It's time for the fun part of the evening. I would like everyone to look under your seats. Under each one, you'll find a copy of Keith Olbermann's resume.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Is Keith here tonight? Limo wouldn't pick him up? The thing about Keith Olbermann is, he's so likable.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Al Gore launched current TV in 2005 and it took off like a North Korean rocket.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: To be honest, I didn't even know Current TV was still on the air, but then I don't get channel a million. Keith Olbermann burned more bridges than the arsonist of Madison county. He has more pink slips than Marcus Bachmann. Too soon? If you're not familiar with Marcus Bachmann, he plays Cameron on "the modern family." Stand up and say where are you, Marcus.
There he is.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: I do have one real question for you, Mr. President. What is with the marijuana crackdown? I mean, seriously, what is the concern? We will deplete the nation's fund an supply?
You know, pot smokers vote too. Sometimes a week after the election, but they vote.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Let's take a quick poll. I would like everyone in this room to raise your hand if you've never smoked pot.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Look at Brit Hume. He's high right now. He's on his fourth almond macaroon.
Mr. President, I hope you don't think that I'm out of line here. But, marijuana is something that real people care about and the fact that you believe Speaker Boehner, when he tells you he still has control of his party, leads me to believe that you must smoking some crazy great weed yourself.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Woody Harrelson just woke up.
As we know now. Last year at this dinner, President Obama had his team on the way to kill Osama bin Laden. So who will it be this year?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: If you're looking for the biggest threat to America right now, she's right there. Her name is Kim Kardashian. She was captured by Greta Van Susteren and brought right to your doorstep.
You know. When you took office, the Kardashians had one reality show. Now they have four. This is not a good trend. Right now, Navy S.E.A.L. team six is outside the Kardashian compound in Beverly Hills disguised as the Denver nuggets so they can sneak in undetected.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: I have a question, who are these people who think it would be a good idea to attack Iran? I hear people say, bomb them, nuclear, just do it now. There are a real bunch of yahoos and Netanyahu's.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: There's only one way to have peace between the Israelis and Arabs. Instead of focusing on their differences, they should focus on what they have in common, which is a mutual love of full awful and terrible dance music.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: I don't understand all the anger that is directed at the president. Even if you disagree with his politics, he's funny, he's athletic, he has a beautiful singing voice, he's devoted to his family. Even with all these responsibilities, he still finds time to go to his kid's soccer games and move the goal posts and I think that's commendable.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: President Obama wants everyone in America to have health care, whether we want it or not. I think I figured it out. You're not from Kenya, it's even worse, you're from Canada.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: This health care reform thing has a lot of people very angry. There seems to be a lot of anger in general. And ladies and gentlemen, if I can get serious for a moment.
I believe if we truly want to overcome the problems that we face, we have to do it together. We can't forget this country is a great country, this is a land of liberty and justice for all and it doesn't matter if you're black like President Obama or white like President Obama or red like President Obama's agenda or orange like Speaker Boehner.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: America is and will always be as a great man once put it, a place where a man is not judged by the color of skin but rather by the number of his twitter followers.
It's been an honor for me to be here before so many members of the Washington and national media. You're here tonight because as journalist, you care about freedom, free speech, a free press, and most importantly, free dinner.
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Some people say journalism is in decline. They say you've become too politicized. Too focused on sensationalism. They say you no longer honor your duty to inform America but try to divide us so your corporate overlords can rake in the profits.
I don't have a joke for this. I'm just letting you know what some people say.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: It concluded tonight. It really has been an honor for me. I would like to thank Karen and Jake Tapper for writing all the jokes you didn't like.
And, I also want to thank Mr. Mills, my 10th grade high school history teacher who said I would never amount to anything if I kept screwing around in class.
Mr. Mills, I'm about to high five the president of the United States. Is that OK?
(APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: Eat it, Mills. Thank you, everybody.
(APPLAUSE)
LEMON: I love it. Journalism professor said I would never make it. Eat it, Mill.
Hey, not bad. Not bad, Jimmy Kimmel. Great at the beginning. I think he kind of lost it a little bit in the middle. And then he got it back.
Darrell Hammond is here. Goldie Taylor is here. Ana Navarro is here.
So Darrell, what do you make of it?
HAMMOND: I thought he did very well. I mean, he was very funny. I think he's kind of a regular -- he's got a regular guy quality. A nice guy. I think he managed to take some digs at the president and still get some laughs. So, I think -- I thought he did well.
LEMON: Yes. Ana, he went in hard on Newt Gingrich and Chris Christie. He really let the Republicans have it.
NAVARRO: Well, it did look like Chris Christie was taking it with a little more humor than Newt Gingrich was. But, yes. There were a lot of fat jokes and they were all directed to Republicans it seems like.
LEMON: Goldie, we were sitting here and, I mean, I was tweeting out some of the jokes and what he said. Oh, Keith Olberman, that he has more pink slips than Marcus
(LAUGHTER) LEMON: That was hilarious.
TAYLOR: It had absolutely its moments. But I've got to tell you, near the end, I was quoting the great Dave Chappell skit, wrap it up.
LEMON: Put the buzzer on the table.
TAYLOR: I was looking for the sandman after a while with a hook.
LEMON: All right, guys, stand by. We have to pay some bills here. We are not going to go far away from the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Ana Navarro is going to join us, Goldie Taylor and of course, of course, the great Darrell Hammond on the other side of this break. Let's play a little bit of the president before we go to break.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
OBAMA: Even Sarah Palin's getting back into the game. Guest hosting on the "Today" show, which reminds me of an old saying. What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: A little soy sauce.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
LEMON: All right. Welcome back to live coverage of the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I'm Don Lemon. I'm joined by Darrell Hammond, the comedian n New York, in Washington D.C. Ana Navarro, and Goldie Taylor, who here, who is a political analyst.
I'm really surprised. I thought it was funny and I thought it was interesting that he hit it head on. People are very sensitive, Darrell Hammond, when it comes to animals and the president hit those dog jokes head on. He said, what's the difference between a hockey mom and pit bull? He said a pit bull tastes better. I couldn't believe he said it.
HAMMOND: Well, you know something? The closer you get to the line that separates good taste and bad taste, the funnier you are.
Ideally, you would like to straddle that line. In some people's minds, when you are being really funny, maybe you go over a line a little bit, but it didn't seem like so tonight. I think he killed, his whole set killed.
I think he will always like, when you get close to the line where it's too much, where you're in bad taste, then you're being funny, but how do you stop yourself going over the line? I think he did a great job tonight.
LEMON: Hey, Ana --
HAMMOND: Don't you?
LEMON: Yes. I thought it was funny. Goldie and I were sitting here most of the time when the president spoke, we were going like oh, my gosh, I can't believe he said something like Michelle is going oh, baby or something. It goes, I say that. The Young Jeezy joke was very hilarious. I think he said he was going to replace don't ask, don't tell with its raining men. I thought the Alan west joke by Jimmy Kimmel was --
TAYLOR: Alan West was not amused.
LEMON: He was not amused by that. Newt Gingrich was not amused.
TAYLOR: Not amused. But, you know. He's been some fair good decision in Brooklyn before.
LEMON: So, Ana. You know, he is going to -- I'm sure he's going to get hit by the right because the right already criticizing him about going into the Fallon and now, this. Every single thing that he has been hit on, even said, you know, blaming - and -- I did something about and it was quoted about saying the president, you know, should be taking responsibility for what happened on his watch.
So, he went ahead and said listen, that was started by my predecessor, basically saying, blaming, you know, Bush for what he was saying. The Republicans are going to hit him on a lot of the things he said tonight.
NAVARRO: Well, really, they shouldn't. Look. A lot of these -- these are jokes. We need to have a sense of humor and take them as jokes. I think the dog jokes are fine.
Don, this political campaign so far has felt like the Chinese year of the dog. There's probably been more talk about dogs than there has to about the economy. He had to hit it. I think its fine.
You know, everybody got their digs in. There were digs against Republicans. He was self-deprecating as well. He was self- deprecating against his own self. And there were a lot of things at him.
So, listen. There was plenty to go around. There was bipartisan joking and ribbing. And let's just have a sense of humor here.
LEMON: All right. Let's listen to the president real quickly then, we will talk about it. The president talking about how he's aged.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARNEY: Could someone back there please turn off the president's mic. I think the -- the president's mic is hot. Please turn it off. Thank you, thank you.
OBAMA: Great. I've got to get warmed up.
Four years ago, I looked like this. Today, I look like this. And four years from now, I will look like this.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(LAUGHTER)
LEMON: And he goes on to say, that's not even funny, because it's the truth. He has aged and they all do.
TAYLOR: They all do. They all do. Everybody needs a little (INAUDIBLE) in about a time they finish the presidency.
LEMON: Yes. So everyone thought -- there were people saying oh, my gosh, you're going to break when the president was coming on. We did not have to break when the president is coming on. There was a skit that happened before the president went on. Everyone thought it was a mistake because It started with - you saw a little bit of it -- can someone turn the president's mike off?
Let's listen to the skit before the president took the stage.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
CARNEY: Could someone back there please turn off the president's mic? The president's mic is hot. Please turn it off. Thank you. Thank you.
OBAMA: Great. I've got to get warmed up. I, I'm so in love I totally had that. Seriously, guys, what am I doing here? I'm the president of the United States and I'm opening for Jimmy Kimmel? I have the nuclear coding. Why am I telling knock know jokes to Kim Kardashian? Why is she famous any way?
That's it. Next year, please send her bike.
No, you're right, way too risky. Wow, look at my hair. I really went gray. Do you think anybody would notice if I just went a little darker?
Right now I'm like a five on the just for men scale. I think I can go to six and nobody would notice.
Is the teleprompter working? Are you kidding? What do you expect me to do out there? I literally have no idea what I'm saying tonight.
(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Man, I could really use a cigarette. OK, OK, I'm Going. God forbid we keep Chuck Todd and the cast of "Glee" waiting.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the president of the United States.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
LEMON: All right. So then the president took the stage and that's where we picked it up, live as it happened.
Darrell, this is a real question, and I've been tweeting this out, why so many celebrities? I wondered if it's because there's a democrat in the White House and everyone tends to think that Hollywood leans left, a little more liberal. There were a ton of celebrities there. Why was Kim Kardashian there? Why is Lindsay Lohan there?
HAMMOND: Listen, I noticed the other day that my socks didn't match and that was like for the third time this year. So I wouldn't know how to -- I wouldn't know how to plan a bank wet like that. I don't know. It's a star-studded affair. It makes sense that you would have celebrities there. Don't you think?
LEMON: I don't know. No, actually I don't.
TAYLOR: It's bit like taking the prettiest girl to the prom. You know, you want the biggest stars.
LEMON: There are some pretty women in Washington, don't get me wrong.
TAYLOR: They want the biggest star at their table.
LEMON: The biggest star is the president of the United States. The biggest star is the president of the United States.
TAYLOR: I think Eva Longoria did her thing tonight. I mean, its gets a little serious out there. and so, it's about attracting attention to your table.
LEMON: All right. I'm not hating it. Even if Eva Longoria by me in the street, they wouldn't know as you. Go ahead.
NAVARRO: It glamorizes the event. You know, when you go to this event, the parties and the brunches and the parties today, it's the same people going from event to event to event. You just take on the conversation where you left off.
So, having these celebrities in the mix, it glamorizes it. It brings the Hollywood Pazz in. And you know, nowadays, politics is covered very different. And political pundits, Shasha themselves celebrities, and celebrities all want to have a political opinion and be themselves political pundits. So you're seeing a little bit of that combination in this party today.
LEMON: Yes. I think - I have some that say, not joining in the fun. But when it comes to the White House Correspondent's Dinner, I guess if it helps to raise money, fine.
TAYLOR: It helps to raise money. And these are your colleagues you see every day. So why not spice it up with a little stardom?
LEMON: All right all right, I just think that politics serious journalism. So, white House Correspondents' dinner.
Serious. Why is Kris Jenner there? The joke, why Kim Kardashian, why is she famous? Why should ask? Ask this one. I don't know. I'm not hating, just being honest.
TAYLOR: Levity.
(LAUGHTER)
LEMON: We're not going to go far from this. We're going to go to Jimmy Kimmel and then we be back in a moment and talk about more.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KIMMEL: Mr. President, do you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was Hilarious.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
LEMON: All right. Back now live coverage of the White House Correspondent's Dinner.
Goldie Taylor is here with me in Atlanta, and in New York, you see Mr. Darrell Hammond and in Washington, D.C., you see Ana Navarro.
You know what, Ana. I get it. Maybe I've been a little harsh. That's where the money comes from. That's why all these celebrities in Hollywood, people are there, just when you go to the inauguration parties, you see all the celebrities.
NAVARRO: Well, listen. It was crazy here last night. This pre- party circuit is just something you can't believe. When the Washingtonians come to Miami, They said all we do in Miami is party and tan.
But at least we spread it out through the year. Here they must be having 80 parties this weekend. Last night I went to "the New Yorker" party, the Google party, the time party, Voto Latino, and it was fun. It was seeing a lot of the folks that are involved in comments about politics that are involved in shaping politics, politicians themselves, the staffers.
I will tell you, though. I really thought there was very little food. Of the floor party, Donna Brazile and I ended up having to go to a restaurant and have a big dinner, because four parties later I was still hungry.
(LAUGHTER)
LEMON: You are hilarious.
All right. Speaking of celebrities, real quickly, Jimmy Kimmel talking about Eva Longoria, takes a listen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KIMMEL: They told me this would be a high profile event with some of the most powerful people in the world. They didn't tell I would be looking directly in to Sophia Vergara's cleavage. I saw you texting. Sophia is from Colombia. This is what women look like in Colombia. What do you expect the secret service to do?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: That was pretty funny. So listen, you have a celebrity in there and you got to hit the correct service, as well. So even the people in the audience, they're not off-limits because every year they hit the people in the audience and they hut them hard.
I mean. I keep saying that. But it was a funny moment with her and she loved it.
HAMMOND: It was a well written joke. It hit the mark. It killed. Got a huge laugh. About 90 percent from the room and an applause break. Can't do better than that in comedy. I don't think.
LEMON: Would you have hit the secret service harder? That's in the news so much right now. Everyone is talking about the secret service, the secret service.
HAMMOND: No, I wouldn't have. I would have touched on it kind of lightly. And he did touch on it lightly. Even the president touched o nit lightly. I mean, there's still respect for, you know, the institutions in this country. And you touch it on it lightly. Adjust him a little bit. But I wouldn't have hit them harder than that, no. It wouldn't have been funny.
LEMON: Yes. Listen. As we just have a few seconds here. I want to thank everyone for joining us, especially Darrell Hammond took time out of his busy schedule. Darrell Hammond hosted the awards in 2001.
Anna Navarro who said all the parties are setting. Goldie Taylor, who joins me here in Atlanta a lot. You liked it. We had a great moment here. It was fun, right? TAYLOR: We did. We had a blast.
LEMON: Yes. Harshest joke?
TAYLOR: It has to be the Chris Christie fat jokes.
(LAUGHTER)
LEMON: Big Christie fat jokes. Yes, speaking of the fat jokes, then, we have Ana Navarro saying, hey, listen. We wanted to eat more. So, listen. It isn't anything wrong with eating.
We have to get out of here, you all. Thank you.
NAVARRO: No time for the after party, Don.
LEMON: Have fun. Have fun.
Thank you, Darrell. Thank you, Ana. Thank you, Goldie. Thanks everyone for watching.
Good night.
