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CNN Live Event/Special
White House Correspondents' Dinner Highlights
Aired April 28, 2013 - 20:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: Hello, everyone, and welcome to our special coverage of the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I'm Don Lemon.
Headlining this event, well, of course, President Barack Obama. Along with comedian and PBS late-night host Conan O'Brien, with an audience of journalists and celebs.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
ED HENRY, WHITE HOUSE PRESS ASSOCIATION: Everyone gets to sit. I really need you to release some of these tables.
KEVIN SPACEY, ACTOR: Well, you know my motto, Ed. You scratch my back, I won't lacerate yours.
HENRY: I have integrity, sir. I'm not going to cut a deal.
SPACEY: I've seen your work, Ed. Let's not kid ourselves. This is the part where you leave.
VALERIE JARRETT, WHITE HOUSE SENIOR ADVISOR: What on earth happened, Frank? You know I was supposed to sit next to Conan.
SPACEY: It's for the greater good, Valerie.
JARRETT: Greater good? Please don't tell me it has anything to do with North Korea, same-sex marriage, cabinet appointments.
SPACEY: No.
JARRETT: I'm not done, Frank.
SPACEY: All right. Go ahead.
JARRETT: Taxes, gun control, the Middle East, cyber warfare, the fiscal cliff, pipelines, education, Social Security, Iraq --
SPACEY: Look, Valerie, it is not going to happen.
JARRETT: Then I'm curious. If not me, then who?
SEN. JOHN MCCAIN (R), ARIZONA: He's the one that got fired "The Tonight Show", right?
SPACEY: Yes, then he moved over to TBS. MCCAIN: Is that a real network?
SPACEY: No, but neither is NBC.
MCCAIN: Look, can't we do better than Conan? Like Jimmy Kimmel? We're trying to rebrand. Appeal to the youngsters.
SPACEY: Look, I'm sorry, but Conan is the best we can do.
MCCAIN: Fine. As long as you don't put Pelosi at our table. She keeps trying to friend me on Facebook.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Congressman, we don't focus on the masses. We focus exclusively on an elite audition. That said, we'd like Kim Kardashian at our table.
SPACEY: Then I need Mike to start wearing pants to the White House briefings.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I refuse to wear pants until the president gives us more access.
SPACEY: Just do as I say and "Politico" gets a Kardashian. Oh, and, Mike, what is your home address?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why do you ask?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, to send you the tickets, of course.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Nobody knows where he lives, Congressman. We mail his paychecks to a P.O. box.
SPACEY: Oh, Mike, there's no reason to be nervous. What's your home --
Is Valerie bad-mouthing me to the president?
JAY CARNEY, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Reply hazy.
SPACEY: Is she out for revenge?
CARNEY: Ask again later.
SPACEY: Look, I need you to --
CARNEY: Look, Frank, you want to talk about immigration, we can talk about immigration. We can talk about the budget. I'll even talk to you about Jay-Z and Beyonce in Cuba. But there are two things I don't talk about, covert operations, and Valerie's magical powers.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Then, he is my best friend.
SPACEY: So, what's the problem? You two play basketball every Tuesday.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Nerf ball, Frank, Nerf ball. UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But we don't want the rest of the world to know that.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, Stanley, I'm willing to break you two up if you can get me tickets to a Ravens game.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are you kidding me? I'm all out, Frank. How do you think I got elected?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How about Taylor Swift at the Verizon Center, backstage passes?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Now you're hitting me where I live. Thank you, gentlemen. You are the coolest whips in town. You better believe it.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You have to introduce me to Ted Sarandon at the dinner. I can't get my (expletive) Netflix to work.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I have three sources at the west wing saying Valerie is on the war path.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You might think I could have possibly called that.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is it possible you've been hording tickets to the dinner?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Where are you getting that?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Ed Henry.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You mean Mr. Ed Tegrity (ph). I've got to go. That's Jeff Zucker on the other line.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How about this? You tweet it and I'll retweet it.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: All right.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Done. I thought you wanted the immigration bill to pass.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, but that stinky whore wouldn't give me my ravens tickets.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Ben, this is so much cooler than the correspondents' dinner.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: A colonoscopy would be cooler on that dinner.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You can't run from mayor again, Mike. That would put Anthony Weiner in the pick eliminate tweet that pickle.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Then, what do you suggest?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, president and correspondents association.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Doesn't that position only last for a year? UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Since when have term limits ever stopped you? And you should know, Mike, Ed drinks Big Gulps.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Ed Henry, Kevin. I want him out.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm going to make some calls. Is that Frank on the phone? Let me talk to him. Frank, it's Charlie Rose. Tell me this. Why did you can sell last week?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Margaret Thatcher died. I was in mourning.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: OK. How about next week?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, I'm already booked on "the today show" but I'll be in touch.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: OK. If I play ball will you at least get Bloomberg off my back?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Only if you give me your absolute unquestioning loyalty.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That's a pretty big ask.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Forty-two seconds during the dinner to say whatever I want.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Take 45.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Washington and Hollywood. Some new faces, some old faces, some new faces on old faces. And I do sympathize, Conan, not just for that back-stabbing Leno but having to host. It must be so hard to write jokes about a town that already is one. Democrats, Republicans, the White House, congress. You all came together to make this spoof. That's what real bipartisanship looks like.
I'm a lied chief intimidate to get what I want, but at least I get the job done. So, I hope some of you were taking notes. Well, have a wonderful evening. And I'll see all of you at the Bloomberg "Vanity Fair" party at least those who got the invite. Oh, and Mr. President, welcome to Nerd Prom.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: Ah, well, there you go. It's where Hollywood and Washington meet. And you know what, there was some great production value in that. Great if Washington could work together as Kevin Spacey said in real life. Want to bring back in the ladies, Michelle Turner and Brianna Keilar. What production value that was. And even, you know, you can't write these things. It's probably more like Washington than we dare believe.
BRIANNA KEILAR, CNN WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: It definitely is. And that's the thing that struck me, Don, is to, I would say a viewer outside of the Beltway, there were many jokes in there that they're not going to get. Because a lot of them are like inside Washington jokes for sure.
NISCHELLE TURNER, CNN ENTERTAINMENT CORRESPONDENT: And you know, the funny thing is, Kevin Spacey, we saw him a lot in that. And there were so many people on the red carpet tonight, Don, when I asked him, celebrities, politicians alike who are you looking forward to meeting here tonight? And it was Kevin Spacey over and over again. They all said, you know, his parts he plays them a little too real. He played the killer a little. So they were all excited to meet him tonight. He is one of the best actors in Hollywood.
LEMON: I thought I loved the accent. I thought you were for immigration reform. I was until that stingy Hoyer.
Brianna, you do get a lot of accents in Washington. You know, when you hear it in on the television where everybody kind a sounds like this.
KEILAR: You do. I will tell you though. You do not often get too many southern Democratic accents these days. That has gone by the wayside. He does play, I think, the democratic minority whip in the house.
But, something that struck me and you see it there, the sort of many of the people we have interviewed, Don, are actors from television shows that have to do with Washington.
TURNER: Yes, absolutely.
KEILAR: Bradley Whitford of "West Wing" alum, "House Of Cards" is very represented here deep. We talked to Julia Louis Dreyfuss.
TURNER: Gary Washington.
KEILAR: That's right, and Tony Goldwyn from "Scandal."
LEMON: But, also, a lot -- there were a lot of reporters there, you know, of Washington reporters are guys from "Politico," you know, from "the Nation," a lot of reporters were featured in that spoof.
TURNER: Absolutely.
KEILAR: They were.
TURNER: And by the way, just a little news entertainment news that we can break, I did ask Bradley Whitford. I asked him specifically, will we see a "West Wing" movie. Because it's been rumored in Hollywood for such a long time. And he told me, no. Because the last time the cast all got together they shot a bit for one of their cast mate's sisters who was running for office. He said when they got together they just felt like it was like the old guys club. And it didn't feel right. So, he does not think we'll see a "West Wing" movie.
LEMON: All right, everyone, the president of the United States just introduced at the White House correspondents dinner. We go there live.
BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Thank you. Thank you, everybody. How do you like my new entrance music?
(CHEERS)
OBAMA: Rush Limbaugh warned you about this. Second term, baby.
(CHEERS)
OBAMA: We're changing things around here a little bit. Actually my advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. They are a little more traditional. They suggested that I should start with some jokes at my own expense. Just take myself down a peg. I was like, guys, after 4 1/2 years, how many pegs are there left?"
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: I want to thank the White House correspondents. Ed, you're doing an outstanding job.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: We are grateful for the great work you've done. And to all the dignitaries who are here, everybody on the dais I especially want to say thank you to Ray Ordiano because I'm standing service on that in our country and all our men and women in uniform every single day. And of course, our extraordinary first lady, Michelle Obama.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Everybody loves Michelle. She's on the cover of "Vogue," high poll numbers. But don't worry, I recently got my own magazine cover.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: That, look, I get it. These days I look in the mirror and I have to admit. I'm not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Time passes. You get a little gray. And yet, even after all this time I still make rookie mistakes. Like I'm out in California we're at a fundraiser having a nice time. I happen to mention that Pamela Harris is the best-looking attorney general in the country. As you might imagine, I got trouble when I got back home. Who knew Eric Holder was so sensitive?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(END VIDEOTAPE)
LEMON: I'm Don Lemon. More of the White House Correspondents Dinner, right after this quick break. (COMMERCIAL BREAK)
LEMON: Now back to our coverage of the White House Correspondents Dinner.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
OBAMA: And then there's the Easter egg roll which is supposed to be just a nice fun event with the kids. I go out on the basketball court. Took 22 shots, made two of them. That's right. Two hits, 20 minutes. The executives at NBC asked, what's your secret?
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: So yes, maybe I have lost a set. But some things are beyond my control. For example, this whole controversy about Jay-Z going to Cuba. It's unbelievable. I've gotten 99 problems and now Jay-Z's one.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: That's another rap reference. Don't.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Of course, everybody's got plenty of advice. Maureen Dowd said I could solve all my problems if I were just more like Michael Douglas in the American pueblo. And I know Michael's here tonight. Michael, what's your secret, man? Could it be that you're an actor in an Aaron Sorkin liberal fantasy? Might that have something to do with it? I don't know. Maybe it's something else.
Anyway, I recognize that this job can take a toll on you. I understand second term you need a burst of new energy. Try some new things. And then my team and I talked about it. We were willing to try anything. So we borrowed one of Michelle's tricks.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: I thought this looked pretty good.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: But no bounce. Anyway, I want to give a shout out to our headliner, Conan O'Brien.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: I was just talking to Ed, and I understand that when the correspondents were considering Conan for this gig. They were faced with that age-old dilemma, do you offer it to him now or wait for five years and then give it to Jimmy Fallon?
(CHEERS)
OBAMA: That was a little harsh. I love Conan. And of course, the White House press corps is here. I know CNN has taken some knocks lately. But fact is I admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story. Just in case one of them happens to be accurate
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: My former advisers have switched over to the dark side, for example David Axelrod now works for MSNBC which is a nice change of pace since MSNBC used to work for David Axelrod.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: The History Channel is not here. I guess they were embarrassed about the whole Obama is a devil thing.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Of course, that never kept FOX News from showing up.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: They actually thought the comparison was not fair -- to Satan.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: But the problem is that the media landscape is changing so rapidly. You can't keep up with it. I mean I remember when Buzz Feed was just something I did in college around 2:00 a.m.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: It's true. Recently, though, I found a new favorite source for political news. These guys are great. I think everybody here should check it out. They tell it like it is. It's called whitehouse.gov. I cannot get enough of it. Fact is, I really do respect the press. I recognize that the press and I have different jobs to do. My job is to be president. Your job is to keep me humble. Frankly I think I'm doing my job better.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: But part of the problem is, everybody is so cynical. I mean, we are constantly feeding cynicism, suspicion, conspiracies. You remember a few months ago my administration put out a photograph of me going skit shooting at camp David? Do you remember that? And quite a number of people insisted that this had been photoshopped. But tonight I have something to confess. You were right. Guys, can we show them the actual photo?
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: We were just trying to tone it down a little bit.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: That was an awesome day. There are other new players in the media landscape as well, like super PACs. Did you know that Sheldon Adelson spent $100 million of his own money last year on negative ads? He's got to really dislike me to spend that kind of money. I mean, that's Oprah money. You could buy an island and call it Nobama for that kind of money.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Sheldon would have been better off offering me $100 million to drop out of the race.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: I probably wouldn't have taken it. But I'd have thought about it
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Michelle would have taken it.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: You think I'm joking.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: I know Republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012. But one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. And look, call me self-centered. But I can think of one minority they could start with, hello.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: I mean, think of me as a trial run, you know? See how it goes. If they won't come to me, I will come to them.
Recently I had dinner. It's been well-publicized I had dinner with a number of the Republican senators. And I'll admit it wasn't easy. I proposed to toast. It died in committee.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Of course, even after I've done all this, some folks still don't think I spend enough time with Congress. Why don't you get a drink with Mitch McConnell, they asked? Really? Why don't you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: I'm sorry. I get frustrated sometimes. I am not giving up. In fact, I'm taking my charm offensive on the road. A Texas barbecue with Ted Cruz. Kentucky bluegrass concert with rand Paul. And a book burning with Michele Bachmann.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: My charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about what's going on in congress. It turns out absolutely nothing.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: But, the point of my charm offensive is simple. We need to make progress on some important issues. Take the sequester. Republicans fell in love with this thing. And now they can't stop talking about how much they hate it. It's like we're trapped in a Taylor Swift album.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio. But I don't know about 2016. I mean, the guy has not even finished a single term in the Senate, and he thinks he's ready to be president.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Kids these days. I, on the other hand, have run my last campaign. On Thursday, as Ed mentioned, I went to the opening of the Bush presidential library in Dallas. It was a wonderful event. And that inspired me to get started on my own legacy, which will actually begin by building another edifice right next to the Bush library. Can we show that, please?
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: I'm also hard at work on plans for the Obama library. And some have suggested that we put it in my birthplace, but I'd rather keep it in the United States.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: Did anybody not see that joke coming? Show of hands. Only Gallup? Maybe Dick Morris?
(LAUGHTER)
(END VIDEOTAPE)
LEMON: Stay with us for continuing coverage of Washington's most exclusive party.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
LEMON: Now back to our coverage of the White House Correspondents Dinner.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thank you, Mr. President. Without further adieu I'd like to introduce Mr. Conan O'Brien.
(APPLAUSE)
CONAN O'BRIEN, COMEDIAN: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you. Please remain seated. That's not necessary. Thank you very much. Please, Mr. President. Don't stand. That wouldn't be right.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Good evening. Thank you. Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi.
(CHEERS)
O'BRIEN: Yes. It's an honor to share this stage with the president. When you think about it, the president and I are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard. We both have two children. And we both told Joe Biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event.
We also have something else in common like the president I too recently got in some hot water by talking about a public official's good looks. It was the time I wouldn't shut up about that stone cold fox, secretary of transportation Ray LaHood. Oh, man, I like the cut of his jib.
But President Obama, first of all, he had some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching you can stand up here and do what I do. So now it's only fair they get to do what you do.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I'll be mired in a tense, dysfunctional standoff with Congress. This is going to be fun.
Now, right away I'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election. Congratulations. As you all know, the president is hard at work creating jobs. Since he was first elected the number of Popes has doubled.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: And the number of "tonight show" hosts has tripled. Congratulations!
(APPLAUSE)
O'BRIEN: And while I'm at it I'd like to congratulate President George W. Bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. Yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents. And if you go, you can be the first to read them.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: You can't hurt me.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Now ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. Right here at the start I'm going to sharing is with you people. And this doesn't leave this room. I say this with absolute confidence because we are on C-SPAN. Who doesn't love C-SPAN? Seriously. C-SPAN. It's an entire channel shot with the backup camera on a ford explorer
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HGTVQ, TV South America and the Hilton hotel how to check out channel.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: That's right, the Hilton. It's great to be here at the Hilton. Is it just me or is it time to stop using Priceline to book this event? No, I love the Hilton. I really love the Hilton's motto. "Sorry the Radisson was booked."
You know, I was worried that because of this sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel than the D.C. Hilton. Then I was told that's not possible.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: But I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating us. They were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: By the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that's been moved to salon b on the mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Quick announcement before we really get going before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event please use the #incapable of living in the moment.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Yes. Yes. Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
O'BRIEN: Yes. Also to any U.S. senators here tonight, if you'd like to switch either your desserts or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. By the way, speaking of dinner, tonight's on trace were halibut and filet mignon. Or as CNN's John King reported it, lasagna and cous cous. There's a gavel here and I don't know why.
Here's a fun fact about tonight's food. Everything you ate this evening was personally shot by Wayne Lapierre. Don't worry. It was during a home invasion, though. The fish came in through the window.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: That wasn't peppercorn, that was Bush shot, ladies and gentlemen. Incidentally you may not know this but Wayne Lapierre is the executive vice president of the NRA. Which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the NRA? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
O'BRIEN: He's not even at the top!
Also I'd like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating charts. For a moment someone accidentally sat Governor Chris Christie with the Republicans. That was awkward and I apologize. Very awkward.
But speaking of tables, before dinner I had a chance to mingle. You probably saw me. I worked the crowd. I shook some hands. And sold my Twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. They will buy anything.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: But it is an absolute joy to be here at the White House Correspondents' dinner. Last year Tom Brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a-list celebrities. When I told Tom I would be attending this year he said "that's more like it."
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: That shouldn't be funny to you.
But this is really a star-studded event. This year you've taken us to new heights. I have to congratulate you. New heights. Because you've got some of the guys from Duck Dynasty here. Duck Dynasty. Yes. The guys from Duck Dynasty are here which can only mean one thing, the guys from Storage Wars said no.
No, I love Duck Dynasty. Don't get me wrong. But guys I really don't think your stripe fan whistle is going to -- oh, my God he's here. That's incredible! I always hated that one.
Hey, now as some of you know this is my second time speaking at this event. I was last here 18 years ago back in 1995. A lot's changed since then. Today, you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in '95 we talked that George Stephanopoulos.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: I can't see if George is here because there's a crouton in the way.
It's amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If in 1995 you'd told me that in 2013 we'd have an African-American president with a middle name Hussein who was just re- elected to a second term in a sluggish economy, I would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: By the way, no offense, Mr. President. I do congratulate you on your victory. But as a late night comedian, I was kind of pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced in the Olympics.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades, and I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. Then my opening line will be (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Mario Lopez.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
LEMON: Stay with us for continuing coverage of Washington's most exclusive party.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
LEMON: Now back to our coverage of the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
O'BRIEN: Yes, all the Washington news media here tonight, including the stars of online journalism, I see "The Huffington Post" has a table. Yes. Which has me wondering if you're here, who's covering Miley Cyrus' latest nip slips? Who is assembling today's top 25 yogurt-related tweets? Seven mistakes you're making with bacon. That's a real one and you should be ashamed of yourself.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
O'BRIEN: By the way, just before dinner I tried to say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington but she made me watch a 30-second ad first. Yes, a lot of online stars are in the room, but unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn't make it. Yes, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997.
Of course, the Washington print media is joining us this evening. The print media are here for two very good reasons. Food and shelter.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: You know, how are you? You know, some people say print media is dying, but I don't believe it. And neither does my black smith.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: You got to meet Zachariah, he's great. Man, rougher for "Newsweek" which after 80 years published its last print issue. Yes. "Time" magazine might gloating but they really shouldn't because "Time" will outlive "Newsweek" the way Juliet outlived Romeo. Read the play. It's very smart.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: These are so tough for old media that Reuters is having its after party right here at the Hilton. Because nothing says we're having a great year like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: With that in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of their glass.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: And to be fair, print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward, OK? Got to give it up for Bob Woodward. Yes. Yes. Yes. Earlier this evening, a waiter asked Mr. Woodward if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, stop threatening me.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Also tonight, some of the big names in television news, when it comes to television news we have a divided media landscape, OK? FOX News is watched by conservatives. MSNBC is watched by liberals and CNN is watched by the people who clean the offices at CNN.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: It get's worst. CNN's ratings are so low, now when the logo comes up James Earl Jones says "you're watching CNN?" what the hell?
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: I have to say in the past few years, CNN has made some very odd moves. For example, they replaced the popular Larry King with one of the scheming footmen from Downton Abbey. Piers rides right into that show. (INAUDIBLE).
Hey, it's great to see my old friends at MSNBC. MSNBC's Chris Matthews is here. Chris Matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens.
By the way, during the Boston coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information. There's no joke here. I'm just letting the people at CNN know that you can do that.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: This is a learning experience.
Hello to FOX News star Bill O'Reilly. Bill has become quite the author. He's had two recent best sellers "Killing Kennedy" and "Killing Lincoln." He also wrote a book that was not nearly as popular "The Natural Peaceful Death of Taft." What were you thinking?
The truth is, Bill O'Reilly, this is true, is now working on his next book out this fall. This time it's about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time in history Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare.
(LAUGHTER) O'BRIEN: Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR. Now PBS, yes. Those PBS people love to party. Guys if you get lucky tonight, be safe. Wear a tote bag.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: It works. You got to love NPR. NPR's still the number one source for news delivered as if there's a toddler sleeping in the next room. NBC News is in the house. Good Lord they've had a rough go of it, huh? "The Today Show" let go of Ann Curry after being told Ann Curry said let me get this straight. Al Roker tells the world that he crapped his pants at the White House and I'm getting fired? Al's the reason there are no more tours at the White House. They're still hosing it down.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
O'BRIEN: Brian Williams is here. Brian, I'm a big fan of your show. "Rock Center with Brian Williams." If you haven't seen it, imagine -- this is great. Imagine Brian delivering the evening news on a different floor of the building a little later with a slightly different tie. It's a mind blower. You got to check it out.
But as I look around the room and I see all the media here tonight I realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria. That's it is. Think about it. FOX is the jocks. MSNBC is the nerds. Bloggers are the Goths. NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Al Jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to. And print media, I didn't forget you. You're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. Yes. Cheer up. We dedicate the yearbook to you.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Of course, probably the biggest story that people in this room covered this past year was the Republican failure to recapture the White House. Hard to believe the Republicans didn't fare better in the election with the support of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf. I guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: But the Republican party is on the mend. One rising star on the right is senator Marco Rubio or as he's known in the Republican party, our black guy.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Yes. By the way, as of today the U.S. Senate has a record number of African-American senators, two. Two. In other words, there are now more African-Americans in the Senate than in a Mumford and sons concert. (LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Thank you, younger people. Paul Ryan. "I don't understand" what's he babbling about" who's this man? Paul Ryan recently, he really burst through last year when he ran for vice president. After the election, Ryan said President Obama was re-elected because of the high turnout of urban voters. Then when he was asked just how he liked his coffee, Ryan said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Well, tonight, I'm excited to announce that Turner Broadcasting is going to make a major television miniseries about the big power players here in Washington. They just finished the casting, and they just announced who is going to play who. This is big. Vice president Joe Biden is going to be played by Bob Barker.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Former White House adviser David Axelrod will be played by Higgins from Magnum PI.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: This was also produced by Steven Spielberg, by the way. Representative Paul Ryan will be played by Mr. Bean.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Senator Chuck Schumer will be played by Grandpa Munster.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Senator Harry Reid will be played by the old man from the American Gothic painting. Fox News' CEO Roger Ailes will be played by Boss Hog. We signed the deal! Speaker of the House John Boehner will be played by tanned mom!
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano will be played by Paul Giamatti.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Former White House chief of staff and Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel will be played by Stewie from Family Guy.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Secretary of state John Kerry will be played by an Easter Island head. I cannot tell those two apart.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Supreme Court chief justice John Roberts will be played by Buzz Lightyear. Senator Mitch McConnell will be played by Dame Edna.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer will be played by a Furby.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: NRA executive vice president Wayne Lapierre will be played by the face melt guy from "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: And finally White House press secretary jay Carney will be played by Ralphie from "A Christmas Story."
(LAUGHTER)
(END VIDEOTAPE)
LEMON: So we thank you for watching. That's our coverage, have a great evening. Good night.
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